A Reluctant Gift
Let me preface this by just admitting upfront that I have a tendency to over think things. I am fully aware of this and although I acknowledge that it may not always be a good thing, I have come to terms with it and I no longer try to change it. Anyway, on to today’s post…
One of my friends from the hospital, Rachelle (not her real name), offered to give us her daughter’s play kitchen set. Her daughter is now 9 years old and has moved beyond such childish things. April and I have been debating about getting one for her for a few months. A few of McKenna’s friends have them and McKenna always seems completely enthralled when she plays with them. So, with a modicum of reluctance I accepted Rachelle’s kind offer and picked it up earlier today.
Why reluctance you ask? From the first moment that I found out we were having a girl, I’ve been mindful of the subtle ways that we as parents, and as a society, assign “roles” based on gender. I won’t go into a long-winded diatribe about the injustices we do to our girls, because this isn’t a college auditorium and I’m not here to lecture. I will say however, that one of my over-arching goals for both of my girls is to raise happy self-confident young women. I want them to feel comfortable in their own skin. I want them to be the type of women, who when disrespected or talked down to by a boyfriend or girlfriend, would have the self-respect to raise the BS flag and say “Knock it off. You will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.”
So, part of my strategy in reaching that goal has been to raise them, for lack of a better term, like boys. I want them engaged in sports (that’s part of the reason we started McKenna in gymnastics so young). I think sports are a great way to not only build a healthy body, but a self-confident mind. I’ve read multiple studies that extoll the benefits to self-esteem among young female athletes.
I shy away from pink crap. We don’t call her “princess.” Dolls are welcome, but Barbies and Bratz dolls are permanently banned from this house. When she got her first tricycle, she got the red and blue one, not the pink one with the tassels. She’s learning how to throw and catch a ball already and I’ve started rudimentary math with her so she won’t grow up with a math and science phobia.
Alright, by this point many of you are thinking, “Dude, calm down it’s just a play kitchen set.” Certainly you’d be right and that’s more or less what my smart and very grounded wife said too. April said, “Don’t worry about it. She’s already got a play work bench with power tools too.” As I already admitted at the beginning, I do tend to over-think things.
Well, we snuck the kitchen into her room today and surpirsed her with it when she was going down for “quiet time.” She loves it. I can hear her in there playing and using her imagination. She’s already looking forward to tomorrow’s play-date with her little friend Leah (not her real name) so they can cook for each other.
So, for better or worse, my little girl now has a kitchen set. Is it too soon to teach her how to throw a split-finger fast ball? ; )
Love it!! Just a note…I had a play kitchen, and I think you know me well enough to know that I definitely can “raise the BS flag”. I was never a “girly-girl” either. Not necessarily the way I was raised…just the way that I am. And I never EVER liked the color pink! Oh…BTW I didn’t play with baby dolls, but I did have a pretty big Barbie collection. Surprising, eh?
McKenna looks very happy with her play kitchen. Who knows…she may grow up to be a famous chef! But don’t worry…with great people like you and April for parents, she will grow up to be self-confident and well-adjusted, of that I am sure!
Okay, after having 3 girls and 1 boy (but raising 2 boys because I am raising my grandson) I will tell you this - gender roles are genetic. I am not kidding. Girls gravitate to pink and frills, dolls and kitchen sets, and boys gravitate to GI Joe and Monsters, war games and sound effects that I never knew could come from a child’s vocal cords. Girls don’t like playing war games (usually) and boys think dolls are creepy - unless they are GI Joe or Star Wars Action Figures. My husband and I have made no suggestions to our children at all. We have let them develop and choose those colors, those toys, those items that bring them the greatest joy and memories of their childhood and I’ve got to tell ya - if you just let your girls be themeselves, you may be surprised to find that they are little ladies, absolutely adorable, very much sweet and girly, and smart as a whip. They should be proud of who they are and what they are. Just because you buy her a Barbie doll if she wants one or a kitchen set if she wants one doesn’t mean that you are setting the path for a life of gender rolls. It only means that you love her for all that she is and for all that God created in her. Getting the red or the blue tricycle is just as much “gender” choosing as buying the pink one. How about taking your daughter’s with you when you go to the toy store and let them choose what “they” want to play with, and the color tricycle they want. You may be surprised, but I promise you won’t be sorry if you let them just be themselves and learn to trust and respect what they like and not question it as much as you do. Let McKenna be McKenna and you will see this little girl blossom into an intelligent, independent, young woman with memories of her childhood that are happy ones.
Susan’s last blog post..He’s a Cool Dude and a Heart Melter ©
I tend to agree with Susan. I am not saying to be an invisible parent, I am just saying let them have the opportunities to make their own choices when it comes to the little things in life. Knowing you and April, those daughters of yours will grow up to be beautiful, intelligent, remarkable women. I know you know they will! Just keep them well rounded. I know you as parents can do it, so cool down and let life flow, it will be just fine. Sit back and enjoy the time you have with them now, it will not last too long—-believe me I know.
Wow! Between the blog and my personal email inbox, this one posting has generated more feedback than any other single post, including the Knock Knock video and the potty training post. Everyone’s comments are appreciated and your points are well taken. I know I need to relax a little bit when it comes to these things, that’s why I acknowledged as much in my preface.
And despite that, at some level I maintain that raising daughters is a balancing act between nature AND nurture. I honestly believe that many of the “female traits” that we attribute to nature, are really nurtured traits flying under the radar. We are all inundated with messages everyday. TV commercials, character portrayals in shows, the way our friends act, unspoken expectations and verbal cues from teachers, relatives, & parents, hell, even the way a toy store is divided up is a message. While no single thing is enough to shape a child, the constant barrage is pretty powerful stuff.
The following is a brief excerpt from a paper presented by the European Women’s Lobby in Slovenia last year:
So, when Susan says above “getting the red or the blue tricycle is just as much “gender” choosing as buying the pink one”, she is absolutely right. I’m guilty as charged, but the way I see it, there are a million other people and things nudging my little girl in one direction, what’s wrong with me nudging back a little? I thought that’s what parents are supposed to do. I want my girls to have fun and enjoy their childhood, but I would also like to impart my values on them. I would be happier if their role models were people more like Paula Radcliffe or Rachel Maddow and less like Lauren Katlin or Britney Spears.
That being said, in addition to my daily multivitamin, I have decided to add a daily chill pill. :^) Thanks everyone.
***Note: While some of my blog posts are light and funny, others obviously are more serious. Thank you for the comments and feedback. I enjoy them all, especially the ones that challenge me or my beliefs. I can’t imagine a more boring world than one where everyone thought like me.***
I didn’t just play with dolls as a child, I played with horses, caught frogs and pollywogs and spent a lot of time in the swamp. I played basketball in high school. There’s no reason they can’t do it all.
She looks so cute. I think that this was a good move on mom and dad’s part. She will enjoy it for a long time.